Response to Jessica's Explanatory Narrative First Draft

Jessica's piece is fantastic. I was carried along through the story, thought the quotes were really indicative of Streeter's personality, his passion - or at least what I believe his personality and his passion to be - and that the overall layout of the paragraphs and the quotations were wonderfully done. There are so few things I'd want to change about this piece. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd want to change any of it.

There are a few things i'm curious about, however. Not necessarily things that should be added or subtracted, but things that make me think - "Wow. I need to know more." First, I really wish I knew what Streeter looked like. I picture him behind a desk. For some reason i put glasses on his face. Who knows? That could be right, but I wish there were some more indications of his person in the piece. Also, since the focus is half on him and half on the acceptance rates/school choices/students/et., I want to know how he has so many connections to these different places, professors, and academics. For example, did he just happen to randomly meet the reader for Michigan or the Dean for Dartmouth? I doubt it - a little bit more on his backstory, maybe his personal education, would be appreciated - not necessary, but appreciated. Unfortunately, even as I'm typing this, I remember that Jess always scraps her first draft and starts all over again. Hopefully these comments will still help. Great job.